Author: Jenn

Jenn Ryan is a freelance writer who loves bunnies, blood, and glitter. She was last spotted getting an unholy amount of cupcakes in Baltimore late at night in an indigo kaftan.

What Happened to My Hormones After Hysterectomy? It’s Been Wild! (Leaving Ovaries and Cervix)

by Jenn

So I’ve talked a lot about my hysterectomy in April 2022 and how my life has been since then. My pain and bleeding went out the window with my uterus, and physically I have never felt happier with my body.

But there’s one thing that has been really different, in fact, shockingly different—my hormones after hysterectomy and my sex life.

I mentioned that my sex life has improved without my uterus and my breasts. But what’s the deal? My surgeon told me my hormones wouldn’t change since I would be leaving my ovaries, but that seems to be far from true.

Here’s how my hormones after hysterectomy have changed.

Before vs. After Surgery

Before my surgery, I was never super enthusiastic about sex. Sometimes I was, but most of the time, I wasn’t.

Which makes total sense when you think about the fact that I had a body I hated for my entire life that didn’t feel like mine, one that caused me immense pain and embarrassment.

Things started to change after I got my mastectomy. But it really changed when I got my uterus ripped out (ok so I wasn’t awake when they took it out, but I really like to imagine my surgeons ripping that thing out of my body and tossing it against the wall. And then maybe stomping on it?)

Suddenly, I was uninhibited by my body. I no longer had breasts which embarrassed me, felt wrong on my body, and made me self-conscious. I no longer had an organ that caused me terrible pain and heavy bleeding every month. I felt free.

But, more than that, I believe my hormones after hysterectomy actually changed, although I cannot prove this. I did not get my hormones tested prior to my procedure. I really wish I did, and I even thought about it, but I had so many things to do to prepare for that procedure and just didn’t get around to it. So I’ll never know if my hormones actually changed, but I’m certain they did.

Impact on Sex Life

Sex is way better than it has ever been for both me and my husband. Our time together is just better. I’m more present in my body, less inhibited, more free, and I feel more like myself.

It has been SO nice to have a body that I feel like represents me and is mine. It’s a feeling that I never thought I would have in my lifetime. I became so used to feeling depressed, embarrassed, and resentful of my body that I just didn’t think feeling any other way was possible.

Now that I know that it is, I cringe to think I lived that way for so long.

One of the only issues with sex after hysterectomy, for me, is that I would want sex so much that when I suggested it at odd times—like at 2 a.m. or right before we had to leave for a trip—it caused tension when my husband wasn’t on the same page (he usually was, though). I don’t know if this is a problem per se, but it has been weird to all the sudden just really want sex when it’s not a great time.

I’m Also Angier

The hormone changes felt almost instantaneous after my surgery. I remember my first “cycle” without my uterus. I got so angry that I slammed my fist against our glass front door, something that would be extremely unlike me before the surgery.

My emotions were all over the place—something I attributed to my hormones after hysterectomy. I became enraged, unhinged, and irritated very quickly when going through the ovulation and luteal phase of my cycle. It got to the point where both my husband and I felt it was a problem, so I scheduled an appointment with my herbalist.

My herbalist thought that since my uterus isn’t there to release progesterone during my “period”, my testosterone is running unchecked in my body and causing me to want sex more and also to be much more moody and angry. She recommended three different tinctures that I took during my luteal phase for a while, and they seemed to help.

However, when I finally talked to an OB/GYN doctor about this, she said the uterus doesn’t actually produce any hormones, just responds to the ones the ovaries produce. When I explained my symptoms to her and my belief that my hormones had changed, she seemed to have no clue why this would have happened and suggested that my hormones did not change, it’s just that my body isn’t so down and out with my period that now I’m just supercharged by the same hormones.

But research shows there’s more to the picture.

3 Reason Our Hormones After Hysterectomy Can Change

After digging deeper into this topic, I’ve learned there are several reasons why hormones after hysterectomy can change, even when ovaries are left intact. While my surgeon assured me nothing would change hormonally, and the OB/GYN I saw later told me it’s unlikely anything HAD changed, the reality seems more complex.

1. Vascular Changes Affect Ovarian Function

    While ovaries receive their primary blood supply through the ovarian arteries, they also get collateral circulation from branches of the uterine arteries. Removing the uterus eliminates this secondary blood flow, and removing the fallopian tubes (which I had done) further reduces the interconnected vascular network.

    What does the research say?

    • Research using Doppler ultrasound shows measurable decreases in ovarian blood flow after hysterectomy, even when ovaries are preserved, which can impact hormone production.
    • A large meta-analysis of over 1,400 women found clear evidence that hysterectomy damages ovarian function even when ovaries are preserved, with women showing lower hormone levels and signs that their ovaries were aging faster than expected.
    • However, there are other studies showing conflicting results—likely because they measure only basic hormone levels in blood tests rather than the complex symptoms many of us actually experience, and may not follow women long enough to capture all changes.

    2. Hormonal Feedback Loops Get Disrupted

    The reproductive system relies on complex paracrine signaling—local chemical communication between nearby organs that doesn’t go through general circulation. The hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis evolved expecting feedback from the uterus as it responds to hormonal signals. Without the uterus in this regulatory loop, the precision timing and intensity of hormone release can shift, potentially explaining the dramatic changes many of us experience.

    What does the research say?

    • Research shows that ovaries communicate with the brain through intricate feedback mechanisms involving multiple hormones that fine-tune cycle timing and intensity—but this system developed expecting the uterus to be a key participant in the conversation.
    • Additional research found that reproductive organs constantly produce local chemical messengers (neuropeptides, growth factors, cytokines) that work alongside hormones to regulate everything from ovulation to menstruation, meaning removing the uterus eliminates its contribution to this complex local communication network.

    3. Progesterone Processing Shifts

    Apparently the uterus acts like a giant sponge, soaking up progesterone each cycle. Without that sponge, progesterone behaves differently in our system, potentially allowing testosterone to have more influence. This could explain both the increased libido and anger that I experience after my surgery.

    What does the research say?

    • Research shows that the uterus has abundant progesterone receptors (PR-A and PR-B) throughout all its tissues (endometrium, myometrium, and cervix) that actively bind to and respond to progesterone, demonstrating that the uterus is indeed a major target organ that normally processes significant amounts of circulating progesterone.

    The Good News? Our Bodies Adapt Over Time

    The encouraging news is that most of these changes seem to settle down as your body finds its new equilibrium. My symptoms were most intense in the first 1-2 years and have gradually normalized (for the most part, ha). It appears our bodies are remarkably good at adapting to these changes and finding a new balance.

    Final Thoughts

    Hear me out: exchanging the massive pain and bleeding I experienced every month for 20 years for these crazy hormones after hysterectomy is a trade I am MORE than happy to live with and would make again in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. While I’m liking being more engaged in sex, the hormone thing has been challenging, but it’s nothing that I feel I can’t handle, especially with help from my herbalist.

    Looking back, I wish my surgeon had mentioned that some patients experience hormonal adjustments during the first couple of years, even with ovary preservation. But maybe they didn’t know this?

    Have your hormones after hysterectomy changed? Please let me know your experience!

    5 Magical Things I Love

    by Jenn

    So I’m not really into magic per se as far as magic being a practice.

    However, if we’re talking about the moments of life when you can, quite literally, feel magic happening, then yes, I’m a big believer.

    One day I will possibly initiate myself into the clan of modern witches and develop some sort of ongoing ritual or practice, but until then, I’m just chilling with a few magical things.

    The following five magical things in my life are things that I FEEL the magic in and have become a part of my life in some integral ways. Each of these things comes from brands or people that I place immense trust in and feel their good vibes.

    In many ways, each of these items has been a part of both my self-care and self-growth, both of which have been instrumental in my life lately.

    So buckle in, my fellow magical beings!

    1. Chakrubs

    In case you didn’t know about these crystal sex toys, welcome to my TED talk.

    I stumbled across Chakrubs through an Instagram influencer years ago. At first, I wasn’t sold—why would I need a crystal dildo, yoni egg, or butt plug when I was fine with my sex life?

    I ended up purchasing a rose quartz yoni egg to try because I was just so intrigued by crystal sex toys and this company, and my relationship with Chakrubs went from there.

    Now, it’s hard to imagine my sex life without them. My husband and I don’t use them every time, and we use different ones for different activities, but they really are incredible.

    Chakrubs have not only made masturbation and sex better (like, mind-blowingly better), but they have allowed me to explore different aspects of sex without feeling pressured to act like I was enjoying it because the stimulation was coming from my partner’s body. Instead, I was free to like or dislike the crystals (although I do truly love all of them!).

    I currently have rose quartz and amethyst yoni eggs, The Viper, The Prism Original, The Amethyst Slim, and The Indian Jade Root. It’s hard to pick a favorite—I have different favorites for different things.

    Part of what I love about Chakrubs is their quality. They are the original crystal sex toy company. My husband and I tried a different crystal sex toy purchased off of Etsy because it was much cheaper than Chakrubs, but the quality was extremely poor (there was even some type of glue residue around where the different parts of the crystal met—gross!)

    So now we only invest in Chakrubs. I also love that they have an Etsy page where they sell discounted crystal sex toys that have very minor imperfections—many of the pieces I’ve gotten have been from here.

    I also love that Chakrubs ships in discreet packaging—it would be difficult for anyone to know the package contained a sex toy. I also love that these crystals are designed to last for life, so unless you drop and break one, it’s yours forever!

    2. Tree Frog Farms Flower Essences

    My husband and I found out about Tree Frog Farms from our dog’s former herbalist, who recommended a Blue Vervain flower essence from them. Don’t judge them by their website because yes, it’s pretty janky.

    They create flower and herb essences that are, quite frankly, some of the most magical things I’ve had the pleasure of encountering.

    I have tried sweet briar rose essence from them and recently purchased their Throat Chakra essence as well as their Manifest essence. I’m telling you, these essences are pure magic. I can feel, smell, and taste the magic in them, which is a blend of flowers, plants, and herbs that are energetically charged with crystals.

    While I don’t use these essences all the time, I use them during specific points in my life, mostly really challenging ones, to help me keep my heart open to the experiences life has in store for me.

    3. Big Dipper Works Beeswax Candles

    I have always loved candles.

    But I found out about 10 years ago that the amazing-smelling candles I loved so much in my teenage and early adult years were actually emitting toxins via synthetic fragrances that could be incredibly harmful to my health, the health of my animals, and my home.

    What’s a candle-lover to do?

    I stayed away from candles for a while until I found these amazing, 100% beeswax candles from Big Dipper Wax Works. At first, I was skeptical about the scent—they didn’t really smell like anything compared to the toxic candles I had been using from Home Goods and Bath & Body Works. But now, after using them for several years, I actually adore the scent and find it totally magical.

    Each candle has a subtle unique color and scent to it, which comes from the flowers that the bees pollinate. Isn’t that cool? I love that these candles are 100% beeswax and don’t contain any added fragrances or toxins, so I feel good burning them in my home.

    In case you’re all about that scent though, Big Dipper Wax Works offers aromatherapy candles made with 100% essential oils so you can burn amazing-smelling candles in your home without worrying about toxic synthetic fragrances, some of which are known carcinogens.

    Of course, you can also add your own essential oils to the burning wax in their original candles, and even decorate them with herbs or flowers for fun!

    I love using these candles on my altar for my son Ansel (aka Mouse), who passed very unexpectedly last year.

    4. Beyond Bohemian Ethically Sourced Crystals

    Paul and Zina Oliver own and operate Beyond Bohemian, a company that exclusively sells ethically sourced crystals from around the world. They also exclusively use eco-friendly, recycled packaging material for their products.

    I’ve bought several crystals from this company, the most recent being a large black tourmaline palm stone. The energy in this stone is incredible. With each order, I have also received a free small crystal, which is pretty awesome.

    Finding ethically sourced crystals can be difficult, but I love the magic flowing from this company and I love their ethics.

    5. EcoStardust Glitter

    If you see me online or in real life, I’m almost always wearing glitter.

    Several years ago, I stumbled across a very cool glitter company based in Los Angeles that I was pretty enraptured with. For some reason, I was under the impression that the glitter was biodegradable (I later learned it wasn’t).

    I also learned, after using the glitter for a few years, that they had changed their formula to include synthetic fragrance. Synthetic fragrance is a big no-no in my book because it contains toxic chemicals that have been connected to everything from reproductive health to migraines to neurological effects to even cancer.

    Plus, these scents are way too strong for both people and animals (my bunnies especially). I never use them in my home or my cleaning and beauty products for any reason. If a product has this, I will not use it. (In case you’re wondering, it’s typically listed as “Fragrance” on a label.)

    So when I saw the new ingredient list, I was concerned about the products I already had, and I reached out to the company (who actually custom-designed a glitter for my wedding day for me). I asked them if the products I already had contained synthetic fragrance, because if they did, I didn’t want to continue using them.

    The company refused to answer my question and went so far as to imply that I was trying to steal their ingredient list and make the product for myself. Um, WHAT? I’m trying to buy more of your glitter, you dummies!

    Needless to say, my feelings were hurt, and after spending hundreds of dollars at this company on glitter, I felt that I deserved better treatment as a customer. So that was the end of that.

    I went looking for a new glitter, one that was actually biodegradable and I could feel good about. That’s when I found EcoStardust Biodegradable Glitter (they have since went out of business)

    This glitter is really cool. It’s a loose glitter, and instead of being made from plastic, it’s made from cellulose from hardwoods, typically eucalyptus. All of their glitters are made from responsibly managed and certified plantations. The glitter is also proven to biodegrade into a harmless substance in the natural environment.

    They have single-color glitters as well as some really cool signature blends. I love all of them and my favorites change over time.

    It’s also so easy to apply. They sell a balm that you can apply it with, but I just use natural aloe vera gel that I buy at the store and apply with my fingers or a little makeup brush. I have also used argan oil or coconut oil to have it stick to my skin (honestly though, sometimes it sticks fine after I apply eye cream or moisturizer without anything extra!).

    Everyone who sees me is like, “Wow, you must have spent so much time applying that glitter!”, and I’m like, “It took me about three minutes.” 🙂

    This glitter = complete magic.

    What Are Some Magical Things You Love?

    I wanna know! Because we all need a little magic in our lives, don’t we?

    jenn ryan

    Things I Didn’t Realize Would Happen When I Legally Changed My Name

    by Jenn

    I’ve wanted to change my name since I was a kid, as my birth name just never felt right to me. As I grew up, I had friends and teachers call me by a nickname, but my family continued to call me by my birth name.

    After 30 years, I got really tired of being called my birth name, so I finally legally changed my name and informed those who still called me by my birth name that it was no longer acceptable and that I preferred to be called a new name.

    These are five things I didn’t realize would happen when I did that.

    People Just Avoid Using a Name for Me Completely

    It was funny, perplexing, interesting, and disheartening to watch my immediate and extended family just avoid using a name for me completely instead of using my new name.

    It seemed apparent to many of them that using my birth name was no longer appropriate, yet they seemed to have trouble fully getting on board with my new name.

    They began referring to me as “you” or “her” rather than using my new name. Although this has started to change now that it’s been almost a year, there are still people who just avoid my name altogether.

    There Were Two Kinds of People

    People quickly became divided into two categories when I changed my name.

    There were those who tried, and those who didn’t.

    It seemed like the people who didn’t try to use my new name or those who, yes, continued to call me by my birth name did not take me seriously. Despite the fact that I specifically asked them to no longer use my birth name, they seemed to think that this was an optional request and continued to call me a name that brought me a lot of anxiety and shame.

    My immediate family was mostly good about attempting to use my new name. Of course, they slipped up on occasion, but they were generally pretty good about correcting themselves.

    My extended family didn’t seem to try very hard. I admit that they did try—for example, although my grandparents on my mom’s side did not use my new name verbally, they did use it in written correspondence. My 90-year-old grandmother on my dad’s side, however, continued to use my birth name in person and in print, which was frustrating, even if she was 90.

    It was frustrating and heartbreaking to feel like I was not taken seriously by people I had trusted with my new name.

    Most People Were Oblivious to the “Dead Name” Concept

    If you haven’t heard of deadnaming, it’s the act of calling someone their birth name or a former name when they either do not go by that name anymore or asked you not to use that name. Deadnaming has been shown to be harmful and is considered a violent act.

    Although I didn’t explicitly change my name for gender reasons, deadnaming applies in my situation because I associate my birth name with a lot of trauma, shame, and anxiety.

    People did not seem to understand that using my old name was a transgression that was hurtful to me. For example, even though my mom used my new name, she would always tell me when a friend or family member used my birth name and would say the name in conversation with me. This prompted a conversation during which I explained to her that it was still deadnaming even if she was not directly calling me the name herself.

    Accidentally calling someone their former name happens. After all, we are human. It’s ok to correct yourself and, if appropriate, apologize to the person. It’s not ok to ignore their wishes and continue to call them their birth name just because it’s easier for you or you “forgot”.

    Some People Corrected Themselves Sarcastically

    There were a few times when people would call me my birth name and I would correct them, either by just saying my new name immediately after they said my old one, or by saying, “Please don’t call me that”, or “I need you to use my new name.”

    The response I got was a little off-putting at times. Some people corrected themselves by saying my new name in a sarcastic tone or asking me for the millionth time how to pronounce my new name, then neglecting to use it. In addition to being perplexing and hurtful, a sarcastic correction of behavior is rarely warranted.

    How Good It Would Feel to Be Called the Name I Wanted

    It was scary to change my name and have the courage to tell those closest to me that I no longer wanted to be called by my birth name, but a new name. After all, it took me decades to do it.

    And even after being called my new name, I still felt codependent about it—I felt like I was taking up too much space in the world by asking people to change what they called me.

    But slowly, I began to realize that I deserved to be called the name I wanted. I deserved to have a name that felt like me, that made me happy rather than sad. I deserved to take up space in the world and to ask others what I wanted and needed from them.

    It’s been almost a year, and it’s taken me this long to accept these positive feelings and to feel good when someone calls me my new name, especially when they do it without sarcasm and without me having to correct them.

    I really appreciated and loved when someone used my new name in conversation. It was like a warm light glowing inside me that let me know what person saw and heard me—not as my birth name but as this new name, and person.

    Using someone’s preferred name—whether or not it is their legal name—is a sign of respect. It tells the person that you see them and that you value them. It shows people that we accept them and their preferences. It tells people that they matter. So when someone has the courage to ask you to call them a new name, please do so—and know how much it will mean to them when you do.

    How to Stop Obsessive Skin Picking: 5 Things That Helped Me (And 5 That Didn’t)

    by Jenn

    I have a confession to make: I am an obsessive skin picker.

    Obsessive skin picking, also called dermatillomania or skin picking disorder, is a disorder where you can’t stop picking your skin. It affects an estimated 1 in 20 people.

    I didn’t always realize I had a problem. Picking was encouraged in my childhood home (close family members are also obsessive pickers), which did nothing but fuel my focus on my skin. I remember picking when I was a teenager to the point that I had noticeable scars on my arms, and a friend in high school once asked about them.

    But I didn’t realize my skin picking was an issue until I was in a long-term relationship with my now-husband and tried to hide my picking from him, which led me to wonder how to stop obsessive skin picking.

    I have struggled with skin picking for two decades. It has been worse at times and better at times, but it has always been a problem.

    I won’t say that I am in recovery because I am and will always be a skin picker. But I will say that my picking has improved dramatically, and it has been almost two years since I have gone on a “picking binge” where I have obsessively picked at and ruined my skin to the point that I either refused to leave the house or had to cover up my arms (my target area for picking).

    So what helped me? What didn’t? Here are five things that did and didn’t help me when it comes to how to stop obsessive skin picking.

    1. Keeping My Nails Short

    The longer my nails are, the more damage I can do to my skin. The more damage I do to my skin, the easier it is for me to quickly ruin my skin and feel angry, depressed, and hopeless, which fuels my unhealthy cycle of picking and abstinence.

    I started keeping my fingernails trimmed really short, which helps prevent my fingernails from cutting into my skin when I pick. This way, when I do pick (and I want to be clear that I do still pick, just not obsessively), it doesn’t cause as much damage and I feel more at peace about picking without ruining my skin.

    This is how short I like to keep my nails at pretty much all times.

    I have spoken with another skin picker who says that she finds it helpful to have fake nails, which makes it impossible to pick her skin. I thought I’d mention this because the short fingernail trick may not work for every picker wondering how to stop obsessive skin picking.

    2. Paying Attention

    Mindfulness has been one of the most helpful things for me in stopping the obsessive-picking tirade that I would engage in almost daily.

    I read many books, including all of Eckhart Tolle’s books, that talk about mindfulness and noticing how you feel and being present in your body. I started noticing things that were major clues on my journey to not picking obsessively.

    First, I noticed that I was never present when I was picking. I was in a type of trance (I hear other pickers talk about this) where I am hyper-focused on my picking and nothing else matters. The second I become present, I am able to stop picking.

    Secondly, I was almost always upset, stressed, or angry when I was picking. I started to realize that my emotions were directly linked to my picking the majority of the time. When I was picking, I was usually upset about something that I didn’t even consciously realize because I was using picking to distract myself from the feeling.

    By paying attention to my body, my emotions, and my current state of mind, I am free to not pick. Even now, there are times when I will be stressed and zone out and start picking, but I can quickly reign myself in by realizing how I’m feeling, taking a deep breath, and coming back into the present moment.

    I also noticed that I needed to be much more mindful of my picking in the summer because I wear a lot of tank tops (one of my major life goals is to look like Channing Tatum in Step Up), and since my arms are my area of choice for picking, I am much more likely to start picking in the summer than I am in the cooler seasons when I am wearing a hoodie.

    3. Addressing My Core Issues

    Like many people, I have a lot of unhealed mental and emotional wounds.

    Mindfulness and many of my self-help readings made me realize that deep down, there was a wounded child inside me that never healed from her childhood trauma. By giving my inner child a voice—and more than that, making her a priority in my life—I was able to start healing.

    How did I do this?

    For one, I started working with a therapist. My therapist has been instrumental to my growth and helping me shine a loving and compassionate light on the dark, terrified parts of myself that never healed and were slowly rotting inside me and poisoning my life.

    These parts were trying to protect me from what I had falsely learned would harm me—but those things are no longer true for me.

    I realized that my childhood trauma formed the foundation for my social anxiety and my obsessive skin picking. It also fueled my feelings of unworthiness and shame.

    By addressing my core issues, which is an ongoing process, with therapy, a lot of journaling, and reading self-help books, I started to believe that I was worthy of having beautiful skin without obsessively picking at it. In other words, I was worthy of healing and having the life I wanted, which didn’t include obsessively picking my skin.

    4. Taking Care of My Body

    I noticed that taking care of my body helped encourage me not to pick. For me, taking care of my body looks like:

    • Eating healthy
    • Exercising
    • Maintaining a skincare regimen

    Working out helps me feel strong and confident. I like the way I look when I take care of my body, and it encourages me to maintain a healthy appearance I can be proud of by not picking. The same is true for eating healthy. I feel good and look good when I eat healthy and I am encouraged not to pick.

    Honestly, having a skincare regimen has helped so much. I’ve gotten really into skincare the last few years and now use body lotion nightly (this is my all-time fave body lotion—not sponsored) and also skincare serums and creams on my face.

    Taking care of my skin in this way makes me feel beautiful, worthy, and like I don’t need to pick my skin for it to look beautiful. It also gives me something else to do with my skin rather than pick!

    5. Getting Tattoos

    This might be a controversial one, but yes, it’s helped!

    I originally didn’t plan on covering my body with tattoos, but that’s kind of where things are headed. Once I started getting more tattooed, I realized I could cover the picking scars on my arms with art.

    First, I got my tiger, and I noticed that it helped hide both my picking scars and my current picking marks. It made me less ashamed of my picking habit, even when it wasn’t carried out obsessively.

    I have a scar on my other arm of a broken capillary I tried to get rid of myself by burning it, which turned it into a bigger scar (when done properly, this method does make them go away, but I was a newbie at it). I covered that scar and a lot of my picking scars up with a second tattoo by the same artist.

    My tattoos have made my skin feel more beautiful and help me feel better about my picking history and my current level of picking.

    Thank you anka.tattoo for making my arms so beautiful.

    5 Things That DIDN’T Help

    These are things I tried that did not help me when I was looking for the answer to how to stop obsessive skin picking.

    1. Guilting or Shaming Myself

    Wow, did this one not work. I did this for YEARS. I would tell myself these kinds of things:

    • “You have that pool party this weekend, you CANNOT pick!” This made the picking worse, as I would try to “fix” my skin before the event, which would turn into…
    • “Your arms look terrible. Look what you did. Everyone is going to see how messed up you are.”
    • “You have to wear a long sleeve shirt because people will notice your arms.”
    • “You are so stupid. You can’t stop this one bad habit you have.”

    For anyone who obsessively picks their skin, you know that it is not merely a habit. It is something you cannot control.

    Guilting and shaming myself either before or after picking never made me feel better. In fact, it often had the opposite effect—I would feel worthless and continue to pick because I figured it didn’t matter how bad my skin looked when I was such a shitty person who couldn’t control their life.

    2. Making My Skin Slippery

    I tried this one too many times. I would use oils or lotions to make my skin slippery and impossible to pick. The oil or lotion WOULD make my skin impossible to pick. But here’s the thing—it didn’t get rid of the urge to pick.

    Also, it was super inconvenient. The oil would stain my clothes, so I had to wipe it off before I got dressed. I spent some afternoons sitting in my house wearing a strapless dress with oil slathered all over my arms so I couldn’t pick. But eventually, it would have to come off. I couldn’t stay in my house wearing that strapless dress forever (although some days, I dreamed…)

    So yeah, this was a waste of time.

    3. Trying to “Manage” My Picking

    I really thought this one would work.

    I made rules for myself around my picking in an attempt to manage it. I thought that if I could exercise some control over my picking, I could get it to the point where it was manageable.

    (For the record, I find my picking manageable now, but it’s not because I “control” it. It’s because I’m addressing the underlying factors that drive me to pick, like negative emotions and unhealed trauma. So instead of trying to control the urge to pick, I’m reducing it in the first place.)

    The rules were:

    • No picking in the bathroom
    • No picking in the closet
    • No picking at night
    • No picking my arms

    These were my two primary picking locations, my primary picking time, and my primary picking spot. So guess what happened?

    1. I found time to pick outside of these times and locations
    2. I started picking my legs, back, chest, and face
    3. I eventually ended up breaking the rules (because I wasn’t present or mindful of what I was doing) and would guilt and shame myself when I did so, which fed the cycle

    My picking only became manageable when I stopped trying to control it and instead focused on healing myself from the inside out.

    4. Trying to Stop Picking Completely

    Oh man.

    Ok, so I knew when I started looking for how to stop obsessive skin picking that it was impossible for me to stop picking completely. But I had seen people online say that they tried this. I remember watching one YouTube video of a girl who said she was X days into not picking and she had a pimple on her face.

    I don’t care how strong of a person I am. I would never be able to not pop that pimple. I could not have arms and that pimple would still get popped.

    I will always be a picker. I have accepted this about myself. And here’s the thing—I LIKE picking. I just don’t like obsessively doing it because it makes me feel terrible about myself and my skin looks like I got in a fight with a very aggressive rose bush.

    Trying to stop picking completely is not realistic for me. I have tried it. It did not work. And I will always WANT to pick certain things at my skin. I am at peace with my picking nature.

    5. Wearing Long-Sleeve Shirts

    Yes, I pick less when my skin is covered. No, it does not stop my picking or the urge to pick. I will find other things to pick.

    It’s true that I pick less in the winter when my arms are covered. But I still pick at my face. And for years, my nighttime routine was stripping down before getting in the tub and doing a full body pick, then soaking in Epsom salt and herbs to try and calm my red and wounded skin.

    Wearing long-sleeve shirts was just another way I tried to manage my picking, which did not work.

    Do I Still Pick?

    Yes! I do still pick.

    Do I still pick obsessively? No.

    For me, there is a difference. For some people, there may not be. Everyone is different.

    Are you a fellow picker? If so, I’d love to know if you’ve found anything that has helped or hurt you on your journey to having a healthier relationship with your skin and feeling good about yourself.

    Thanks for reading and not judging!

    What Is My Life Like Without a Uterus?

    by Jenn

    It’s pretty boss, if me lying on this vintage badass couch at an antique store is any evidence.

    Those of you who know me in real life know that I have had really, really bad periods almost every month for the last 20 years (yeah you read that right, 20 freaking years).

    These periods, which included heavy bleeding and immense pain, impacted my quality of life significantly. I essentially planned my life around my period. Nothing could be done on the first day of my period, and sometimes even the second day.

    There were many occasions where I got trapped out somewhere—on the side of the road, behind a toilet at college, at work, you name it—where someone had to come rescue me, or I had to wait until the pain lessened enough that I could hobble to my car and drive myself home, throwing up and shaking the whole way.

    Yeah. It was terrible. And I don’t even have endometriosis or fibroids.

    I have wanted a hysterectomy since I found out they existed, but it wasn’t until I was 31 that I finally got one. I was looking forward to the procedure for a very long time, and now that I’m almost six months post-op, this is what life is like without a uterus.

    Driving my dad’s nice new truck for the first time this summer

    No More Planning and Rescheduling

    Like I said, I had to plan my life around my period. There were many occasions when I had to cancel on someone because I had my period. Whether it was friends, work, or a tattoo appointment, nothing could happen when I was in such pain.

    It got to the point where I had to anticipate my period and just not plan anything for the whole week when I expected it to show up. That was very frustrating and annoying—it was like my life couldn’t happen because of this goddamned thing that had plagued me for two decades.

    Now, I don’t have to plan tattoo appointments, vet appointments, trips, work, or dates with friends around my period. And let me tell you, it has been NICE. I went to New York City and Virginia Beach this year without worrying about my period, and it was bliss.

    The view from my hotel in NYC after getting inked by the amazing Anka Lavriv this summer
    At a Greek restaurant in Norfolk, VA with my friends

    No More Worrying About Getting Preggers

    My husband and I have done the fertility awareness method (FAM) for the last five years to prevent conception since we both don’t want children. I love the FAM and think it’s an excellent way to prevent pregnancy (or even get pregnant, if that’s what you want). But it was work.

    I had to take my temperature every morning to see when I ovulated and stick my finger up my vag every day to check my cervical fluid and write everything down on a chart. Based on this information, I could tell when I ovulated and therefore know when it was safe to have sex and when it should be avoided at all costs.

    It’s been really nice not having to take my temperature, check my fluid, or keep a chart on my nightstand for the last six months after five full years of doing that. There’s also no panicking after sex and thinking, shit, was that really safe?

    Now, it’s impossible for me to get pregnant and I don’t need a chart, thermometer, or intimate knowledge of my cervical fluid to ensure I don’t have a baby.

    At a cool river in Stafford, VA (don’t worry, I didn’t stack those rocks, I know that’s bad)

    No More Pain

    God, the pain.

    The doctors could not figure out why I was in so much pain with my period. It typically only lasted for a few hours on the first day of my period, but they were an intense few hours, sometimes so bad that we had to call an ambulance.

    I did not have endometriosis. I did not have fibroids. My uterus was unusually small. It appeared perfectly healthy when the surgeons cut me open and took it out.

    After two decades of being in pain and trying many different remedies and working with different professionals, it appears that the cause of my intense period pain was Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). People with EDS tend to have bad periods, including severe pain and heavy bleeding, for reasons modern science cannot figure out.

    Needless to say, I’ve been enjoying not being in pain.

    I have no pain. ZERO. I do not have cramps. I do not have bloating or bleeding (except for very occasional cyclic bleeding, which has been a complete joke). I am completely pain-free. It feels incredible and I wish I had gotten my uterus out a decade ago because I have spent way too much time being in pain.

    Without pain, I am free to enjoy life.

    No More Anxiety and Dysphoria

    As you can probably imagine, I developed a lot of anxiety and dread around my period as a result of the intense pain, which caused me trauma I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully unpack.

    On top of this, I discovered during the process of trying to get my hysterectomy that I do have gender dysphoria, so for the last year and a half with my period, I became increasingly aware of my dysphoria and my feelings around my period.

    I don’t have anxiety around my period because there is no period. There is a part of me that thinks it may come back one day, but this is physically impossible. I’m just shocked that I get to live my life without a period and without pain, and that truth is still settling in.

    My dysphoria has also improved dramatically now that I no longer have breasts or a uterus. I feel more at home in my body than I have ever felt, and this comfort and happiness have bled out into every area of my life, from my sex life to my daily existence (excuse the pun).

    At Kickshaws Gluten-Free Bakery in Fredericksburg, VA with my husband

    No More Bad Sex

    I also don’t resent or hate my body anymore after my hysterectomy, as I did for basically my entire life. The freedom that comes with not hating my body and feeling that my body didn’t align with who I was has allowed me to experience things without so much mental and emotional baggage, including sex, which has been incredible.

    Although I do miss period sex from time to time (any other blood lovers out there?), I absolutely do not miss skipping sex because of terrible cramps, depression, and anxiety about getting pregnant.

    I also used sex to help manage my period pain, which was also traumatic in its own way, but it was one of the only things that helped at the end. So enjoying sex because I want to have it and not because I’m in pain has been nice too.

    So overall, my life has been insanely better since I got my uterus removed. I wish I had done it sooner, although it was hard enough as it was to get my uterus removed in my 30s, so I’m imagining I would have had an even harder time in my 20s.

    Have you had your uterus removed? How is your life now compared to before? I’d love to hear about your experience!

    My Hysterectomy Healing Process: What It Was Like Healing From a Supracervical Hysterectomy

    by Jenn

    My supracervical hysterectomy healing process went really well overall. I was scared about the procedure, given that I was having an actual organ removed and not just my breasts (which felt very disposable and unnecessary).

    Don’t get me wrong, my uterus felt disposable and unnecessary too—it was just that it was attached to a bunch of other stuff in my body, like my cervix, fallopian tubes, and maybe even my body itself. Ha. (But definitely not my soul.)

    I felt way less scared about the surgery after getting my double mastectomy, as I felt like I knew what to expect, more or less. But here’s how it went and here are some herbs I used to help me heal.

    Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional and I am not recommending my specific healing protocol to anyone, nor am I suggesting that my hysterectomy healing process will be the same as yours. I am simply sharing my experience as someone who got a hysterectomy!

    Preparing for Surgery

    I didn’t do much to prepare for the surgery or the hysterectomy healing process outside of not taking my vitamins for about two weeks before. I made sure to wear loose and comfortable clothes to the hospital, and I ended up wearing my giant pink rainboots, as it was raining the day of my surgery.

    As a lesson learned from my mastectomy, I made sure to drink plenty of water the day before the surgery and no salt the night before, as I wasn’t able to drink after midnight on the day of the surgery. For some reason, with this surgery, I was told I could drink up to 20 ounces of water until 8 a.m. on the day of the surgery, so I did that and I do feel that it helped me feel less dehydrated and sick after the procedure.

    I also took my arnica homeopathic pellets, as I did with my mastectomy. I took five of them before the surgery and five after, then three to five pellets two times a day for about five days after the procedure, at the direction of my herbalist.

    The Day of the Surgery

    Before the surgery, I spoke with the nurses and anesthesiologists and surgeons who would be there during the procedure.

    Why there were so many people, I don’t know. There were a few nurses, three anesthesiologists, and three surgeons. Some of these people were in training and there to observe the procedure.

    I didn’t really like that all these people were there, but I wasn’t going to object. I mean, these professionals have to learn somehow, right?

    When I spoke with the anesthesiologist, I told him about my terrible experience with the anesthesia during my mastectomy. I was very anxious when I woke up from the procedure and nauseous and dizzy for three days following that surgery. He said they would give me Valium prior to the procedure to ensure I wasn’t anxious when I woke up and other medications in my IV to help with the dizziness (medications such as Valium can help manage post-operative anxiety).

    When the time came for my surgery, one of the anesthesiologists came in to give me Valium in my IV. I’m not sure if it was because it was given to me in an IV or because I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for hours, but that stuff hit me like a brick in the face. Seconds later, I was having trouble keeping my eyes open as they wheeled me toward the operating room.

    I remember getting into the operating room and someone asking me to get from my current bed onto the operating table. I was having trouble doing this because of my IV and also the Valium. Getting on that table is the last thing I remember.

    After the Surgery

    The next thing I remember is the anesthesiologist who gave me the Valium shaking my feet and yelling my name. But this is a brief memory.

    When I wake up again, I am lying in what appears to be the same bed in the same room that I was in before I was taken to the operating room. The first thing I say is, “It hurts.” My abdomen was really hurting. It felt like menstrual cramps, but different, more sore. It felt like I had had an organ removed.

    A nurse came to give me pain medication. I dosed in and out of sleep. I wasn’t anxious. It simply felt like I was waking up from a long and intense sleep (which was a completely different and much nicer experience than waking up from my mastectomy). My surgery was about three hours long.

    As I woke up more, I remember asking the nurses if the surgeon was able to keep my cervix and ovaries (I was told right before the surgery there was a chance they would have to be removed if there was endometriosis on them). They said that they were kept and everything was fine.

    But I didn’t really believe it until I saw a text from my husband saying he spoke to the surgeon and that my cervix and ovaries were left intact. It felt like a miracle—the surgery went exactly as I wanted it to.

    I had to go to the bathroom. The nurse—her name was Ashley—helped me to the bathroom to pee a few times. I was exhausted and wanted to lie in bed and sleep. The hospital was trying to discharge me even though I could barely walk. Eventually, after deciding I would not go home that night, I was transferred to a different floor, where I had my own room and bathroom. At this point, it was pretty late at night.

    I cried as the nurses got me in bed and wrapped these weird devices around my legs to prevent blood clots or something. It was all just a lot to process. My husband came to visit me earlier in the evening but had just left to go home and take care of our animals. He would return the next day to take me home.

    Here Come the Bladder Issues

    I didn’t realize it, but I had developed urinary retention after the surgery, which means I was not able to completely empty my bladder when peeing. I kept getting up in the night to pee a lot (by myself most times, as calling the nurses was a hassle), but each time I felt a kind of burning sensation, like I had a lot more to pee but nothing was coming out.

    I told the nurses about it, but it wasn’t until the afternoon of the next day that they did a bladder scan and found that, despite the fact that I had been urinating a normal amount, there were over 900 milliliters of urine still in my bladder.

    One of the nurses did a straight catheter on me, which was not horrific but very uncomfortable, to drain the urine, hoping that would help my bladder come back online. It didn’t. A couple hours later, despite peeing, there were 500 milliliters in my bladder still.

    That was when they decided that they would have to do an indwelling catheter.

    If you’ve never had a catheter before, I can’t explain to you how awful they are. Basically, someone shoves a tube up your urethra to drain urine. The straight catheter was not that bad, but the indwelling one was terrible. A different nurse did it and I think at that point my urethra was pretty irritated, so it hurt and I cried. The nurse, who disclosed that she had never had a catheter before, asked me why I was crying.

    The tube for the catheter continued to twitch inside me, which caused me pain. It was really awful. I cried a lot and started hyperventilating when the nurses came back to try and fix the catheter and stop the twitching, which meant they had to partially remove it and reinsert it. At that point, my husband was there, but unfortunately, no one could comfort me much.

    Despite the fact that I was not in any way comfortable with the catheter or managing it, the hospital discharged me. I spoke to my surgeon and he said I could stay, but that insurance might not cover it because having a catheter isn’t a good enough reason to stay.

    That was enough to get me out of there. I worked really hard to get insurance to cover the procedure; I wasn’t getting charged unnecessarily just because of this stupid catheter.

    My surgery was on a Thursday. I had the catheter put in on a Friday. It was supposed to stay in for five days until my post-op appointment on Wednesday. There was no way that was happening.

    I got through Saturday with the catheter (probably only because of the pain meds though), and then on Sunday night, I took it out. It had become so painful that all I could do was lay on the couch and cry; I couldn’t even move. I spoke to my surgeon and the doctor on call before I removed it and they said it was fine.

    Fortunately, my bladder issues had resolved by then and I was able to completely empty my bladder. But if they didn’t, I would have had to go to the emergency room to get another catheter put in, which I was definitely not trying to do.

    The catheter was by far the worst part of the procedure, as both my husband and I will tell you. And it wasn’t even because walking around with a giant bag of pee on your leg is disgusting and emptying it was gross—it was because of how uncomfortable it was and how I shrieked every time I stood up because of how much it was twitching inside me. Ugh!

    Apparently, urinary retention is not uncommon during the hysterectomy healing process. During the surgery, they put a catheter in to drain the bladder, and my surgeon said this can really throw off the bladder. I wish I didn’t have to have a catheter inserted during the surgery, but for reasons I don’t really understand, this is just what they do. I do wish that they had just left the catheter in since I had to have one put back in anyway while I was awake.

    The Hysterectomy Healing Process

    My hysterectomy healing process was relatively simple. My abdomen hurt pretty bad after the surgery, particularly around my belly button, which is where the biggest incision was. I took all the meds they gave me because I was really uncomfortable (especially with the catheter) and the meds helped.

    Getting up without help was impossible because I couldn’t really “bend” my abdomen properly to sit up or stand up because it hurt so much. I was able to walk around pretty well once I was up, but sitting and standing were bad. I also had a binder that I wore after the surgery, similar to the one I had during my mastectomy, which helped me feel a little better and move around a little easier.

    It just took time to feel better. After a couple weeks, I was feeling pretty good and the pain in my stomach was virtually gone. At my post-op appointment a few days after the surgery, a doctor confirmed that my bladder was functioning normally.

    When I saw my primary surgeon three weeks post-op, he said everything looked great and I didn’t need to come back. That was good because I didn’t really want to see someone who did a gynecological exam on me while I was unconscious that I didn’t find out about until after the surgery when reading my case notes.

    What Herbs and Supplements Did I Take?

    I did a few things to help accelerate my hysterectomy healing process.

    • In addition to my arnica tablets, I drank the same herbal broth that I drank after my mastectomy, which included reishi, burdock, comfrey, and a bunch of other healing plants (you can see the recipe here). I took arnica tablets for about five days after the surgery.
    • For my bladder issues, I started drinking a dandelion infusion at the direction of my herbalist almost immediately after getting home, which I made with both fresh dandelion from my yard and dried dandelion from Mountain Rose Herbs. It was disgusting, but I do feel that it helped my bladder come back online after the surgery. I did this for maybe one week after my surgery.
    • I also drank an infusion at the direction of my herbalist to support my healing. I made a quart of this every night and drank it the next day. It was equal parts oat straw, raspberry leaf, nettle leaf, and alfalfa leaf. I didn’t mind the taste of this. I did this for about two months after my surgery. My herbalist also suggested I add yarrow and some additional nettle to support my bladder for healing, so I did this for about the first month.
    • I took two different tinctures to support my healing at the direction of my herbalist. The first was a yarrow tincture, which I started three days after the procedure and took for a month post-surgery. The second was a Solomon’s seal tincture, which I took for two months after the surgery. I made both of these myself.
    • My herbalist also suggested that I apply a topical ointment of Solomon’s seal to my abdomen/hip area, but although I made the ointment, I didn’t end up using it. It just felt like too much on top of everything I was already doing, and the thought of lying around with oil slathered all over my body didn’t exactly thrill me when I was already uncomfortable.

    I also used a heating pad to help with the discomfort of my stomach in the first week during my hysterectomy healing, which my herbalist also suggested and I found to be very helpful (that heating pad has helped me a lot with menstrual cramps too).

    Returning to Sex After Hysterectomy Healing

    Returning to sex was a little weird after my hysterectomy healing just because I still felt like my body was fragile. We definitely did not do any actual intercourse until at least six weeks post-op just to be safe at the direction of my surgeon.

    My cervix felt like it was “hiding” (not sure how else to describe this) for a couple months after the procedure and we didn’t go crazy with sex because I felt it was still healing. It just felt different for about two months after the procedure.

    Now, things are great and I have to say, it is pretty amazing to not have a period and not have to worry about getting pregnant. I’ll be posting an article soon about my life now without a uterus (hint: it’s awesome).

    Although the catheter was terrible and the surgery was not fun, I overall feel like things went really well and I am really happy with how I healed and how I’m doing now, and I am very happy with my decision to leave my cervix in.

    If you’ve had your uterus removed, I’d love to hear what helped you get through your hysterectomy healing process!

    Why Leave the Cervix? Why I Left My Cervix in During My Hysterectomy

    by Jenn

    Disclaimer: This article discusses surgery, sex, and controversial personal opinions. Please use your discretion when reading. I am not a medical professional and I am not giving medical advice. I am merely explaining why I chose to leave my cervix during my hysterectomy.

    Four months ago, I got a laparoscopic supracervical hysterectomy after spending 15 months convincing medical professionals that I needed this procedure (and hell yeah I threw myself a party after all that work, as evidenced by the picture above).

    In case you don’t know, a laparoscopic hysterectomy is when they use robotic instruments to remove the uterus through tiny cuts in your abdomen and belly button instead of doing a longer incision down your middle. It’s less recovery time, results in significantly smaller scars, and is generally less painful for the patient.

    A supracervical hysterectomy is when the cervix is left intact while the uterus is taken out. This is not commonly done in a hysterectomy, although it was a more popular procedure in the 90s when it was first being performed.

    Many women and people with vaginas aren’t super familiar with their cervix. I became intimately familiar with mine after doing the fertility awareness method (FAM) for five years before my procedure.

    The cervix is technically connected to the uterus—it’s all one organ—and it connects the uterus to the vagina. You can usually feel your cervix by sticking your finger up your vag and feeling for something that feels firm and squishy, like the tip of your nose.

    Removing the cervix is generally done because of fear of cervical cancer. The majority of medical professionals will argue that there is no good reason to leave the cervix in during a hysterectomy. I spoke with three surgeons during my 15-month process and two of them tried to talk me out of leaving my cervix in.

    So why would I choose to leave the cervix in during my hysterectomy?

    Research shows that leaving the cervix in is less traumatic (it cut my recovery time in half): you recover faster, can return to sex sooner, and have minimal blood loss during the surgery. But all of this is not why I chose to keep my cervix.

    Here’s why I left my cervix in during my hysterectomy.

    The Cervix Impacts Sexual Pleasure

    So this is a controversial statement, but I believe the cervix does impact sexual pleasure.

    Doctors will tell you it doesn’t.

    Other people will tell you it doesn’t.

    Research will tell you it doesn’t.

    The thing is, you have to decide for yourself if it does.

    For me, and we’re just gonna be really blunt here, it feels good when my cervix is stimulated by my partner’s penis. I can’t imagine what it would feel like if my cervix wasn’t there, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t be great. The cervix doesn’t have a ton of nerve endings in it, but it does feel like more of a pressure when stimulated, which can be pleasurable for some people.

    The cervix is essentially the “end” of your vagina. When the cervix is removed during surgery, the surgeon has to reconstruct the top of your vagina. There won’t be anything there but scar tissue—and nothing for a penis (or sex toy) to bump up against.

    For lack of a better way to describe it, the cervix drops down into your vagina, so removing the cervix essentially “lengthens” your vagina. And, depending on the size of your partner, it may or may not feel the same when you have sex. (The cervix can also be stimulated during masturbation too!)

    Not to mention there is such a thing as cervical orgasms.

    Two Words: Cervical Mucus

    So this goes along with the sex thing, and it’s really important to discuss.

    The cervix is responsible for producing cervical mucus. If you are familiar with your cycle, you may notice that you are much more wet during ovulation (which can happen between days 12-22 of your cycle) than you are right before or right after you get your period. This wetness is your body preparing to receive sperm for pregnancy. Your body is making it as easy as possible for sperm to get where they need to go.

    In other words, this is a really bad time to have intercourse if you don’t want to have a baby.

    If the cervix isn’t there, guess what? There’s no cervical mucus.

    Yes, the vagina has natural moisture in it. But it’s nowhere near the wetness produced throughout the fertility cycle.

    My thought process was this: what was the point of not being able to get pregnant if I couldn’t have sex with my body producing that amazing fluid? Why would I want to get rid of that?

    For the past five years, my husband and I have been meticulously avoiding intercourse when I am fertile, as we’ve chosen not to have children. So I was about ready to start enjoying my natural fluid during intercourse again.

    Secretion of cervical mucus, in my opinion, can enhance sex.

    Research shows that the cervix is also responsible for the secretion of mucus during arousal, not just during ovulation, and at various points throughout intercourse, including when the penis (or toy) bumps against the cervix. However, despite our knowledge of this, researchers still can’t definitively conclude that the cervix plays a role in sexual satisfaction.

    But I made that decision for myself, and it was the main reason I chose to leave my cervix in during my hysterectomy.

    It’s Less Trauma Internally

    We’ve already touched on this briefly, but leaving the cervix in during hysterectomy results in a much faster recovery time. And you can return to sex sooner, so, bonus.

    Leaving my cervix in cut my hysterectomy recovery time by half, from eight weeks to four weeks. I was able to resume intercourse at six weeks (my primary surgeon suggested we wait an additional two weeks just to be safe, although my other surgeon said four weeks).

    The surgery time is also shorter when leaving the cervix in during hysterectomy, and it generally lowers your risk of complications.

    Your cervix also has a bunch of connective tissue attached to it, which keeps it anchored at the top of your vagina. When the cervix is removed, this tissue has to come with it. It’s not proven, but suggested that leaving the cervix—and, as a result, the attached ligaments—may result in better pelvic organ function and patient sexuality post-surgery.

    However, again, contemporary research says there is no evidence to support leaving the cervix during hysterectomy over taking it out.

    Eliminates Risk for Vaginal Cuff Dehiscence

    Have you heard about vaginal cuff dehiscence?

    Don’t worry, I hadn’t either—until the third surgeon I spoke to mentioned it.

    (In case anyone is wondering why I spoke to different surgeons, there are a couple reasons. First, I didn’t trust the first surgeon I spoke to. She told me that she would not consider leaving my cervix in during my hysterectomy. Second, the next surgeon I spoke to—the one I ultimately chose to do my procedure—wanted an additional surgeon there to assist with severing my uterus from my cervix to ensure the procedure went well, so I had to meet with this person too.)

    This last surgeon was the only one who told me that if I wanted to leave my cervix in, it was fine. Even my primary surgeon suggested removing the cervix, but I was adamant about keeping it. This third surgeon mentioned that leaving my cervix in during the hysterectomy would eliminate the risk of vaginal cuff dehiscence.

    Huh?

    I looked it up. Vaginal cuff dehiscence is similar to vaginal prolapse, but worse. Instead of all your female organs sagging or falling out of your vagina, in vaginal cuff dehiscence, all of the organs in your abdomen are at risk of falling out. Vaginal cuff dehiscence is life-threatening.

    It’s true. It’s a thing. And if you have your cervix removed, you are at risk for this, even though the risk is low.

    So, yeah.

    Also, I talked to my primary surgeon about having a higher risk of prolapse after my hysterectomy. He said I’m not at higher risk and, turns out, research shows he’s right—there’s not a much higher risk of prolapse between getting a supracervical hysterectomy and a total hysterectomy (where the cervix is removed).

    If you don’t know what prolapse is, please Google it and learn how you can prevent it, because I personally know three women who have had this happen to them and your risk increases if you’ve had kids.

    A Word on the Dreaded “Cyclic Bleeding”

    One of the reasons my surgeon wanted me to get my cervix removed was because of what medical professionals call cyclic bleeding.

    Cyclic bleeding is bleeding that still occurs during your period even when you don’t have a uterus but still have your ovaries (your ovaries control your fertility cycle via hormone production, so if you keep your ovaries during a hysterectomy, you will still ovulate and go through the cycle, even though you won’t have a period).

    So how on earth can you still bleed if you don’t have a uterus?

    When you have the cervix removed during hysterectomy (also called a total hysterectomy), the surgeon will essentially detach your uterus and cervix from your body and pull them out through your vagina. With a total hysterectomy, there is no risk for cyclic bleeding.

    However, when you leave your cervix in during hysterectomy, things get a bit more complicated.

    Since your cervix is attached to your uterus, your surgeon has to find a point to separate the two to leave the cervix intact. Although they do their best to separate the two, some endometrial cells (the cells that line your uterus and are responsible for monthly bleeding) can be left over after the surgery. This is what can cause cyclic bleeding after hysterectomy.

    This didn’t sound good to me. After all, I wanted to stop my bleeding, not have it continue.

    But then I looked at the research.

    The risk for cyclic bleeding after a supracervical hysterectomy is pretty low. My surgeon told me the risk was about 15%, but some others I have talked to said 10% or less. And, cyclic bleeding only occurs for up to two years after the procedure.

    In addition to the risk being low, the third surgeon I spoke to told me what cyclic bleeding actually was—it’s not a period or even close. It’s when you go to pee, wipe yourself, and see a teeny bit of blood on the toilet paper. That’s cyclic bleeding.

    So has it happened to me?

    Yes. And it was exactly what the surgeon said—just a tiny bit of blood, so small and so light that I wouldn’t see it if I wasn’t looking for it. It’s not even enough to get on my undies, so it’s not even really “spotting”, as people who mensurate know the term.

    I have had cyclic bleeding twice out of my four cycles since my surgery, not counting the on-off spotting I had immediately after the surgery for about three weeks (which is expected and very normal).

    I have not had ANY cramps at all since my hysterectomy, even with the cyclic bleeding. In my personal experience, this teeny bit of blood is a very small price to pay for being able to keep my cervix and have no change to my sex life.

    Why I Got My Fallopian Tubes Removed

    So while I left my cervix during my hysterectomy, I got my fallopian tubes removed. I originally didn’t plan on this, but my primary surgeon suggested it.

    He said there is research that suggests that uterine cancer can start in the fallopian tubes, so by removing them, I could potentially help lower my risk of uterine cancer (even though I would no longer have a uterus).

    This sounded good to me. Plus, I didn’t need my fallopian tubes. I researched it and got a little worried that severing the fallopian tubes from my ovaries would result in reduced blood flow to the ovaries, which I thought could impact hormone production. However, my surgeon said there was no evidence of this and I haven’t found research to suggest this either.

    I also learned, after my hysterectomy, that getting the fallopian tubes removed eliminates the risk of ectopic pregnancy (where the fetus begins to develop in the fallopian tube—ectopic pregnancies are not viable and are life-threatening).

    Although ectopic pregnancy after a hysterectomy is rare, it can and does happen. People who have their uterus removed but keep their fallopian tubes still have a small risk for ectopic pregnancy.

    There’s really no reason to keep your fallopian tubes if you are having a hysterectomy. If you are pursuing a hysterectomy for any reason, I would highly recommend talking to your surgeon about removing your fallopian tubes to potentially reduce your risk of uterine cancer and eliminate risk of a future ectopic pregnancy.

    When Leaving the Cervix Is Not an Option

    Unfortunately, leaving the cervix during hysterectomy will not be an option for everyone.

    There are two main reasons why someone would need to get their cervix removed:

    • You’ve had a recent abnormal Pap smear or are at high risk for cervical cancer
    • You have endometriosis on your cervix

    Your surgeon will require your most recent Pap results before even considering leaving your cervix during a hysterectomy. If you have endometrial implants on your cervix or are at high risk for cervical cancer, it’s unlikely you will find a surgeon who will consider leaving the cervix during a hysterectomy.

    And, in these cases, it will likely be much more beneficial for you to have it removed anyway (because you don’t still want cramping and bleeding after a hysterectomy, and you definitely don’t want to have a second surgery to remove your cervix if you have cervical cancer).

    Are There Cons to Leaving the Cervix During Hysterectomy?

    Yes, of course! Just like there are pros and cons to everything.

    The first is that you will still need to have regular Pap smears to screen for cervical cancer. If you have your cervix removed, you will not need to have Pap smears.

    The second is that there is a risk that you will develop cervical cancer and need to have your cervix removed during a second surgery. This is not ideal and surgeons like to avoid this, which is part of the reason why they want to get rid of your cervix in the first place.

    The third con is one we’ve already discussed—the cyclic bleeding.

    That’s All, Folks

    I will be posting articles soon about my healing process for my supracervical hysterectomy and about what my life is like without a uterus. So far, it’s been totally blissful and I am loving life. If you have any questions about my procedure or more questions about cervix stuff, please feel free to reach out to me or leave a comment below and I will get back to you ASAP!

    I Got a Hysterectomy: Saying Goodbye to an Organ I’ve Always Hated (Also Maybe I Have Gender Dysphoria???)

    by Jenn

    I originally imagined this post as being a kind of open letter to my uterus where I go “Dear Uterus” and talk to my uterus like it was a former lover or something.

    The more I thought about it, the more wrong it seemed. I hate my uterus with the kind of passion I usually reserve for people who hurt animals. It has never felt right in my body. And, although I do love drinking tasty warm blood every month, I really, really, REALLY hate having a period and I fucking hate my uterus.

    I have had intensely painful periods for most months of the last 20 years I have been having a period. I was resolved to spend the rest of my life with my uterus until November 2020. I felt depressed about it, but hey, I didn’t want to get surgery. Then I got my double mastectomy and didn’t feel so scared about surgery.

    I had one of the most painful periods I have ever had in November 2020, just before my double mastectomy. It was so bad that my husband had to call 911 (that’s not the first time that’s happened). And that’s when I said: I’m DONE. I’m SO fucking done.

    I’m done with being in pain.

    I’m done with having an organ I hate.

    I’m done with being a woman, whatever the fuck that means.

    I’m done with living a life that doesn’t feel like mine.

    And so, after having never been to an OB/GYN at the age of 30, I started making some phone calls the next month. Everyone was booked out because of COVID, so I couldn’t get an appointment until March of 2021.

    That First OB/GYN Appointment

    My plan was that the doctor would find something horribly wrong with my uterus and I would be able to get surgery to remove it.

    But when my appointment came, the doctor only pushed for birth control and other pharmaceuticals to stop my pain and even prevent me from having a period. I’m very against pharmaceuticals, including birth control, for a variety of reasons, so this wasn’t an option for me.

    I pushed her to give me a referral for an ultrasound to help determine if I had fibroids, which could be causing my intense period pain. Although she begrudgingly wrote me the referral, she said, “I don’t think you have fibroids.”

    OK WELL LET’S CHECK SHALL WE DOC?

    To my dismay, I did not have fibroids. The doctor said she didn’t know if I had endometriosis, and that even if I did, I wouldn’t just magically get my uterus removed. I would have to try birth control, then try an IUD, and then get the lining of my uterus burned before surgery would be considered.

    Even then, the doctor said that if they opened me up during surgery and didn’t find endometriosis, they would have to leave my uterus in, otherwise it would be considered “doing harm”. To which I wanted to say, “Your job and this appointment are literally doing harm”. But I didn’t. I just left.

    I spoke with another doctor who basically said the same thing. So I was done with this route of “treatment”. It felt like I went to them begging for help and they refused to help me unless I consented to drugs and hormones.

    And that’s when I realized: I’ve already had top surgery. I can try to pursue this surgery by saying that my uterus removal is about my gender.

    Calling All the Therapists

    I felt like I was finding my way in a dark room throughout this process and turning on lights one by one. I didn’t know where to turn, but what I did know was that I would need letters to support the medical “need” for my surgery from therapists who knew something about gender.

    I reached out to probably a dozen therapists. I was candid with the ones I did talk to: I was in pain and wasn’t willing to accept the treatment the doctors were offering me. I technically qualified as non-binary—would they be willing to assess me for gender dysphoria so I could get a hysterectomy?

    A few of the therapists didn’t get back to me. A couple people I spoke with said they would help me. I eventually started seeing one of them, but didn’t feel that we were a good fit. But they did refer me to Chase Brexton, an agency known for working with transgender and non-binary individuals.

    Getting the Two Letters

    So I became a patient at Chase Brexton and began the process of getting my letters there. It took about six months for me to talk to four different people there and to get my letters. It was a whole process, and at the end of it, I learned something about myself.

    Although I do consider myself to be more agender than anything—and I didn’t (and still don’t) feel that my breast surgery was about my gender, nor would my uterus surgery be—I did have gender dysphoria.

    I didn’t lie to the therapists I spoke to. Everything I told them was the truth. It just also happened that I wanted my uterus removed because I couldn’t stop my intense period pain.

    For those who are wondering why I’m in so much pain every month, just know that your girl has spent the last 20 years trying to figure out exactly that, trying many different remedies and lifestyle changes, all to figure out that I probably have terrible periods because of Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS). People with EDS tend to experience terrible periods with heavy bleeding for no reason that modern medicine can figure out.

    Although working with my herbalist has helped improved my pain immensely, it was not enough to make me feel like I could live another 25 years with a period, not to mention the depression I would get every month as a result of dysphoria. If I’m honest with myself, just HAVING a uterus makes me dysphoric and unhappy.

    Anyway! While I was getting my letters from Chase Brexton, I interviewed another OB/GYN doctor for my surgery and felt confident pursuing the procedure with him. I submitted my letters to his office and he confirmed that he received them and would be in touch once he had more information from the insurance company.

    Getting ANOTHER Letter

    I waited six weeks and didn’t hear anything. When I followed up with him, I got a call from his office from two providers (one a nurse and one a social worker). They said they got preliminary approval for the surgery from the insurance company, which meant I could schedule the surgery. However, they were concerned with getting the final approval, which would happen 30 days before the surgery.

    The reason for their concern was that my insurance company requires 12 months of hormone therapy in the form of testosterone prior to getting this particular gender-affirming surgery. Since I am not a male and don’t want to transition to being a male, this therapy does not make sense for me and is medically unnecessary.

    The providers from my surgeon’s office shared that having another letter—in addition to the two I’d already gotten—might help the insurance company agree to cover the procedure for the final approval. This letter would be from a medical doctor instead of a therapist stating that I did not need testosterone and it would even be harmful for me to have to do this prior to my procedure. So I contacted my primary care doctor with Chase Brexton.

    She immediately agreed to help me and I got the letter from her within a week after our appointment. I submitted the letter to my surgeon’s office and waited to hear back regarding scheduling.

    So now I had three letters from three different professionals stating that I had gender dysphoria. At this point, it was nearing the end of December 2021, over a year after I started this process.

    Seeing ANOTHER Surgeon

    After my surgeon had THREE letters certifying my gender dysphoria and the unnecessariness of testosterone, he asked me if I was still planning on leaving my cervix in.

    Um, yes?

    He said that since I was leaving my cervix in, which is not commonly done during a laparoscopic hysterectomy, he wanted me to meet with another surgeon who was a minimally invasive specialist, as he wanted her there during the procedure.

    I called to book an appointment with this additional surgeon and she was booked out for almost two months. So I had to wait another two months to talk to this person in mid-February 2022.

    At this point, I was beyond frustrated with this entire process. My surgeon knew in August 2021 that I intended to leave my cervix in. Why did he wait until December to ask me to meet with another surgeon about my cervix?

    So while I thought I would be waiting to hear about scheduling, now I was just waiting to talk to this minimally invasive specialist surgeon for weeks on end, which was incredibly frustrating. Meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly aware of my dysphoria every time I had my period, and I would be massively depressed even if I wasn’t in much pain.

    I finally did talk to her and I really liked her. The appointment also put me at ease because, unlike the other two surgeons I had spoken to, she told me that if I wanted to leave my cervix in, it was completely fine. I was at low risk for cervical cancer, and as long as they didn’t find endometriosis all over my cervix when they opened me up, I could leave it in without problems.

    I was very aware of the risks and benefits of leaving my cervix in, and we reviewed them during my appointment. I did learn, however, that keeping my cervix in would be less trauma to my body than taking it out. It also would cut my recovery time in half and it even eliminated the risk for vaginal cuff dehiscence, (if you don’t know what this is, have fun looking it up).

    At the end of the appointment, she shared she would get back in touch with my original surgeon, as they would be doing the procedure together. I told her I would follow up with him too about the next steps.

    FINALLY, A SURGERY DATE!

    Another two weeks went by before I got a call from the hospital to schedule my surgery—the surgery date was April 7, 2022. I was beyond excited and spent the next few days skipping around and talking to anyone who would listen about my surgery (it was just my husband, haha).

    It took 15 months from the time I booked that first OB/GYN appointment to get an official surgery date. I’m not sure how much of this was related to doctors being booked out because of COVID, but I do know that I worked my hardest to make this surgery happen as soon as possible.

    This article can’t possibly capture the pain, depression, and dread I have experienced throughout 20 years of having a period and then going through a process to try and get help and having to wait almost a year and a half before I could get the problem taken care of. But I’m sharing my experience for others who might be on this journey.

    As I’m posting this article I no longer have a uterus and am recovering from my supracervical laparoscopic hysterectomy, which was finally approved by the insurance company and I successfully had my procedure.

    The doctors did not find any endometrosis and my uterus was unusually small: 40 grams compared to the normal 60. So at this point I’m assuming my intense pain and heavy bleeding were all EDS-related.

    I will be posting an article about my decision to leave my cervix in as well as my healing protocol for this procedure. Kisses!

    Special thanks to Lin Amendt for helping me along this journey and for helping me make the pivotal decision to leave my cervix in. And of course to my amazing husband Ian for his unconditional love and support throughout this process and always (and for taking these badass pics).

    5 Things Insomnia Taught Me

    by Jenn

    I have always had trouble sleeping, on and off, my whole life. After making some lifestyle changes, I sleep SO much better now. But in early 2020, before COVID took over our lives and before Nadir and Fiver (my two beloved bunnies) died, I had so much trouble sleeping.

    There was an almost electric charge I felt when I tried to go to sleep at night. I felt like the earth was alive and speaking to me. No matter how tired I was, I would lie awake, frustration seeping out of my pores, listening to my husband sleeping beside me, and just want to die.

    I had several nights where I did not sleep at all. I had nights where I fell into a fitful sleep at 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 a.m. I tried a lot of stuff to help me get better and finally broke down and emailed my herbalist (note to past self: SHOULDA DONE THAT SOONER!). With a combination of herbs, the introduction of an herbal tincture, and some herbal capsules, and some meditation, I was finally able to start getting some real sleep.

    Insomnia is insanely challenging. Lack of sleep can affect our mood, immune system, and mental health. Looking back now, I think I sensed the monumental changes life was bringing my way, not just with COVID, but with the death of my bunnies, which I knew was imminent, and my self-growth.

    I got through it, and today, I sleep very well for the most part, unless it’s a full moon or I have sugar and caffeine too close to bedtime. Here are five things insomnia taught me.

    1. Be Grateful for Any Amount of Sleep You Get

    I need a good nine hours of sleep every night. Sometimes I get 10 or 12. For one or two days, I can get by with seven or eight, or even four, but anything less than that and I start losing my shit.

    Early on in my insomnia, when I took it lightly and just read novels or took baths when I couldn’t sleep, I would get immensely frustrated that I wasn’t getting my full nine hours. This would generate more anxiety about sleeping, which was a vicious cycle that essentially kept me awake all night.

    I learned to be grateful for ANY amount of sleep I got. Truly. Now, if I have a bad night and only get five hours of sleep, I am grateful that I slept at all. If I had nights where I fell asleep for only 20 minutes, I’d be happy that I even fell asleep, because falling asleep felt impossible. When you don’t sleep at all, that’s rough. I helped break the cycle of anxiety by changing my thinking from this:

    “Every minute that goes by is a minute I’m losing sleep.”

    “I have such a big day tomorrow. I’m going to be so tired!”

    “I need to go to sleep RIGHT NOW to get my nine hours in.”

    To this:

    “I am relaxed here in my comfy bed, everything is ok, I will fall asleep eventually.”

    “I have a big day tomorrow, but as long as I get a few hours of sleep, I’ll get through it.”

    “It doesn’t matter when I fall asleep. I am ok just lying here.”

    This was immensely helpful in keeping insomnia away and preventing it from changing from a one-night thing to an emergency where you’re not sleeping for nights on end.

    2. Sometimes Sleep Meditation Is the Answer

    So herbs helped me out a lot. I took Gaia Herbs Sound Sleep capsules and increased my amount of ashwagandha and also made a sleep tincture with lemon balm, skullcap, passionflower, and wood betony, as directed by my herbalist (I actually still take the tincture, it just helps me fall asleep better and lessens my anxiety about sleeping in general).

    But I believe the thing that really broke my insomnia was sleep meditation. My best friend recommended it to me and I downloaded the 10% Happier app to try.

    Every night before bed I would do a guided sleep meditation, even if it felt like the stupidest thing in the world (let’s be honest though, everything feels stupid when you don’t sleep). I think my body and mind just needed to truly REST and not be critical of the fact that I wasn’t getting enough sleep.

    I didn’t do the sleep meditation for long, just a few times at the end of my insomnia, but it was enough to break the cycle and give the herbs the chance to work so I could fall asleep at night. During my transition out of insomnia, if I couldn’t go to sleep, I’d do another sleep meditation.

    3. Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself

    For me, this was one of the hardest parts of having insomnia. I was extremely critical of myself, and the lack of sleep made it harder to be kinder to myself. I was irritable, angry, devastated, and, at one point, felt like I wanted to hurt myself because I was so frustrated and crazy from not sleeping.

    Bring some kindness into this space. It’s not your fault that you’re not sleeping. But you do have to figure out how to break the cycle. It’s going to be ok. You won’t feel like this forever. I know it’s hard.

    It was also hard to take care of myself during this time, even though I really didn’t have any desire to since I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t want to eat well, exercise, or go outside—but my husband encouraged me to keep up with all my normal things so that I could feel marginally better and get through the day.

    4. Be Willing to Try Anything

    I did some crazy shit to try and help myself sleep better while I had insomnia.

    • I stopped drinking all caffeine.
    • I put salt bowls all over our bedroom to collect negative energy.
    • I put pillows over the windows to block out 100% of the light.
    • I took those Gaia capsules, which I had to pop with a pin and squeeze onto my tongue because I couldn’t drink that much water that late at night to get the capsules down (I have a bit of trouble swallowing, a result of my misdiagnosed autoimmune disorder years ago.)
    • I sat out in the sun as soon as I woke up, even though it was freezing cold, to try and reset my circadian rhythm (at the direction of my herbalist, ha).
    • I lay on the ground outside in the freezing cold (this is called grounding, ha).
    • I tried to make myself more tired by exercising even though I was freaking exhausted and felt insane.
    • My husband and I created a game we called the “Sleepy Animal Game”, where, as we were lying in bed trying to fall asleep, we would each take turns saying different types of sleepy animals. For example, I would say, “Sleepy bears” and he would say, “Sleepy lions”. This would go on until one of us fell asleep or we got too tired to continue. The idea was that, by thinking about all types of creatures being sleepy, I would be less focused on sleeping and begin to imagine myself feeling pretty sleepy too. Some nights, it worked!

    I eventually gave up and just started watching Hulu at 6 a.m. on the nights I couldn’t sleep. The point is to be willing to try anything. Did I want to stop drinking all caffeine? Did I want to lie outside in the freezing cold? Of course not, but I sure as shit wanted to sleep!

    5. Don’t Give Up

    Insomnia can make you feel like a shell of a human. It makes you feel like you want to die. It makes you feel like there’s nothing worth living for. These feelings are normal when you don’t sleep. But don’t give up. You’ll get through this. There is hope. You’re going to be ok.

    Am I terrified that I’ll go through a period of insomnia again? A little. But I know I’ll get through it, and now I have some tools to help me cope better. Do you have anything that you do or take that really helps your insomnia? I wanna know!

    What Is My Life Like Without Boobs?

    by Jenn

    Two words: freaking awesome.

    It’s been over nine months since I had my double mastectomy and my life has changed in some subtle but also significant ways. My life without boobs is everything I’d dreamed it would be, but there were also some surprises along the way, as I imagined there would be when getting this major surgery.

    So what is my life like without boobs? How have things changed? Is anything the same?

    I’m More Confident

    I actually feel like my body represents me now, at least much more than it did. I’m so much more confident in my appearance. Before, I would wear big flowy tops and dresses to hide my chest because I hated it so much. This summer, I actually bought my first form-fitting clothes in years.

    I love wearing tight tops to show off my chest, and it feels so good to just be out there in the world without my boobs. My breasts always felt like a hindrance. There was never a time when they didn’t feel like a hindrance. Without them, I feel sexy, confident, and bold.

    I’m still learning to be confident without a shirt on. This summer, I went for a run when it was hot outside, and after three miles into the run, I really just wanted to take my shirt off.

    But something stopped me. I was worried about people seeing me and what they would think. Then I thought, “The whole point of you getting this surgery was so that you’d feel more like yourself and more confident—who cares what they see or say or think?”

    So the shirt came off. About five minutes later, I ran into one of my aunts, who lives on the road I was running on. She didn’t know about my surgery and I self-consciously threw my tank top over one of my shoulders, which almost covered one of my scars. But the other one was still visible.

    We chatted for a couple minutes and she didn’t say anything about the fact that I was topless and no longer had boobs. So it went ok. But, being one of my nicest and kindest aunts, even if she did say something, I doubt it would have been anything that made me feel bad.

    Mostly I think it just feels weird to be walking (and running, ha) around completely topless after having breasts for nearly 20 years. I hope by next summer I won’t think twice about taking my shirt off!

    I Can Actually Breathe When I Run

    Speaking of running.

    I’ve been a runner for the last 13 years and wore really tight sports bras to keep my chest from moving when I ran. Like, my breasts were DD’s and I would buy A-cup sports bras and wear them.

    Yeah. Don’t ask me how I got those bras on.

    It also affected my ability to take a deep breath when running. Over the last decade, I’ve probably run thousands of miles in tight-ass sports bras. I didn’t realize how much I couldn’t breathe until I ran without a bra on. WOW!

    It’s incredible to be out there feel unhindered by my body and just moving comfortably and confidently in the world. I feel so much less weighed down by my boobs when exercising, not to mention I love the way my chest looks after doing upper-body workouts 🙂

    I’m Insanely More Comfortable

    Fuck bras. I can’t believe I lived wearing a bra for so long. I LOVE not having to worry about bras or how my breasts look in clothing. It’s like not having hair and not having to decide what to do with it. Freaking awesome.

    It’s so comfortable to just put on whatever I want and leave the house feeling confident because there aren’t any boobs, there’s no bra, and it just my chest meets the world. I knew I’d be more comfortable without my breasts (mentally and physically), I just didn’t know how much more comfortable. The answer is INSANELY. I’m insanely more comfortable!

    Sex Is Different

    So I expected my sex life to be a little different after getting my breasts removed, and I’m still navigating this department of my post-boob life. Not having anything there to touch is just a little weird after having boobs for the last two decades.

    That being said, I 100% feel like my sex life has improved since the boobs are gone. How could it not? I feel more comfortable, more confident, and unhindered. How’s that for sexy?

    I occasionally ask my husband if he misses my boobs and he says “a little”, which is weird because sometimes I miss them a little too. For the most part, our sex life has been frickin hot since I got rid of those obscene lumps on my chest.

    People Stare at My Chest

    So this doesn’t happen all the time, but I have definitely been out several times and have full-on caught people staring at my chest when I’m wearing a tight shirt.

    Instead of feeling self-conscious, I think it’s hilarious. In my head, I think, “You can look all you want, there’s nothing there!” and then I prance away giggling to myself. It doesn’t make me self-conscious at all. In fact, I feel like it makes me more confident since it’s a feature about myself that I love now.

    I didn’t get nipple grafts with my mastectomy, so my chest is just two lines of scar tissue where my boobs used to be (and some gross spots where I got two moles removed that are still healing!). So I can imagine people staring at my chest in a skin-tight shirt and not seeing any nipples or anything and wondering what is going on. Tee hee.

    I Can’t Wear Tube Tops Anymore

    This might sound dumb, but I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be able to wear tube tops after my mastectomy. I truly didn’t realize that my breasts were what was holding up tube tops that whole time. Wow.

    So when I got my mastectomy and healed up and summer came and I tried to wear some of my favorite dresses and tube tops, I couldn’t. I had to get rid of one of my favorite dresses that I got for free at Charlotte Russe like 15 years ago because it literally fell off of me.

    I did buy a tube top that actually stays up on my chest and looks nice, but it’s an extra small and I have trouble (like, lots of trouble) getting it on and off. If anyone has any tips for wearing tube tops and dresses post-mastectomy, I’m all ears!

    I’m Happier

    I knew getting my breasts removed would make me happier, but I didn’t realize how free and confident I would feel.

    Making the decision to get this procedure wasn’t easy, and going through with it wasn’t easy, and healing wasn’t easy.

    It wasn’t easy to know I’d never have boobs again, and to not know what that would be like.

    It wasn’t easy to know I was unconscious for two and half hours while a stranger sliced off parts of my body in a room full of people I didn’t know.

    It wasn’t easy to know that my life would be different, and I didn’t know exactly how.

    It wasn’t easy to pay so much money to not know exactly what the outcome would be, or exactly how I would look.

    But I will say this: It was ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT. And I’d take that leap again in a heartbeat.

    I’m currently pursuing a hysterectomy, which I hope to have by the end of this year, to complete my journey of removing body parts that I have always hated and wanted gone. I will definitely give an update about my process for pursuing this procedure as a gender-neutral person as well as my healing process when the time comes!

    Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me on my journey of making my body a more comfortable place for me to live!